The Decade of Deep Love

Perhaps it was the indifferent look of Zhishu He that made Wenxu Jiang, who wanted to apologize to Zhishu He and turn over a new leaf, depressed. He remembered that it was easy to coax Zhishu who had a peaceful character. Therefore, as long as Jiang could make an apology, everything would be easy to be dealt with.

But this time, He was unusual.

It didn’t mean that Zhishu He was too hysterical or fierce to be persuaded. He even didn’t complain or get angry although he suffered so much. But what had changed? Zhishu He had no habitual smile at the sight of Wenxu Jiang. His cheeks were so thin that dimples could not be seen completely, and even his eyes were dark and sad.

“...I can’t refuse some entertainment outside. Those years you went out with me have shown that sometimes the money and sex are inseparable. Even if you don’t like it, you have to give respect to the boss.” Originally, Wenxu Jiang did not want to tell these things to Zhishu. On the one hand, Jiang did not know where Zhishu heard about it and how much he knew about it. So the more he said, the more mistakes he made. Secondly, he indeed felt guilty. Before, they thought that Zhishu would never know it. But now he felt uncomfortable when he told this matter to the person he cared for.

“These two years, the business continues to be expanded. So I am getting busier and busier. Sorry, I know you are aggrieved, but I have no choice. The market is like the battlefield. If I don’t strive for it at all costs, I will be totally defeated. You know that I don’t want you to feel wronged. Although I am tired, it does not matter. I just hope that I could take you abroad when I save enough money. As long as we can get married, any place is fine. So you little fool will not think about those strange things and get lost in various conjectures,” Wenxu Jiang held the shoulder of Zhishu He, and said, mixing the truth with falsehoods, and then even felt a surge of love and desire for him. At last he could not help thinking that these were indeed the thoughts in his youth, when he tried to make every effort to give Zhishu He a bright future.

Wenxu Jiang could not help laughing. He was not that young now. When he smiled sincerely, there were fine lines in the corners of his eyes, which made him more restrained and gentler while the young men didn’t have such kind of charm usually.

At this point, Zhishu He felt upset unprecedentedly. When he went to the hospital to accept physical examination and get the medical certificate, or he was too painful to stand up after the chemotherapy, or he was alone at home and had a fever for a whole day, which degree had his pain reached? He didn’t not know how to describe it, but he knew clearly that it couldn’t be summarized by the word “grievance”. The “grievance” was only for one who was deeply loved and could act as a spoiled child and complain to the person who cared for him/her. And it was a blame full of affectionateness, self-will and self-confidence. It was not for a pathetic guy like him, who just had to get used to consoling himself.

There was no one caring for you, so did you have any qualifications to feel wronged?

He didn’t want to listen to Wenxu Jiang’s sweet words full of lies. Wenxu Jiang just wanted to get a peace of mind after he hurt others through begging for forgiveness, hoping then Zhishu would be as gentle and affectionate as before, while he would still be the man who couldn’t refuse the “invitations” from other bosses.

It was disgusting!

He tore himself from the arms of Jiang Wenxu, and then stood up, enduring the pain.

“Zhishu, cut it out!” Jiang Wenxu held the wrist of Zhishu He.

Suddenly looking back, Zhishu He stared into Wenxu Jiang’s eyes, as his mouth was too painful to say anything. Cut it out? What did he do to make this man fail to stand it anymore?

Wenxu Jiang was stung hard by the cold and sharp eyes of Zhishu He, but he still did not let go of Zhishu and held his wrist, “Zhishu, I know I was impulsive last night. You can hit or scold me, and I would like to say anything you want to know. My dear, don’t let me worried.”

“I am so weak that it’s hard for me to stand up now. How could I hit you?” Zhishu He’s voice was hoarse, hard enough to make his words clear. “With such a tongue, I couldn’t say words clearly. How could I scold you? Tell me, please.”

Zhishu He could not help coughing again, looking paler. It didn’t take too much time before Wenxu Jiang let go of Zhishu, who then struggled to enter the bathroom.

Wenxu Jiang rubbed the temples and said nothing. He just went to the kitchen and reheated the porridge; then he went to the balcony and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. Wenxu Jiang didn’t know what he should do. Zhishu was so angry for the first time. Maybe... he had stored the grief for quite a long time.

People were always like this. Once things that he thought no one would know were exposed, the indifference before would disappear. He would feel worried and try to make it up, being angry with what he had done in the past and feeling remorseful.

When Zhishu He came out of the bathroom, Wenxu Jiang had put out his cigarette. The tall man walked into the kitchen silently to fill a bowl with porridge for Zhishu, like a dog beaten and scolded by his owner for no reason.

Zhishu He bowed his head and wanted to cry. So he told himself over and over again that all of Jiang’s sadness and regret were fake, so there was nothing worth loving here anymore. When he left, another person would live here. But he still hated Wenxu Jiang. All things had been changed beyond recognition, but Wenxu Jiang still tried to give him a ray of hope with the face of the young man Zhishu had loved since more than a decade ago, which hurt Zhishu so much especially when he thought of departure.

“Have it when it is a little colder, or your mouth will hurt more,” Wenxu Jiang gently stirred the thick porridge in the bowl, which smelt very delicious. “Well, I am still best at making porridge.”

Naturally, there was no response. Wenxu Jiang answered himself with a smile, “All right. Maybe it’s because porridge is the easiest to make.”

Wenxu Jiang wanted to feed Zhishu He, but Zhishu rejected. While, he didn’t care about it much, looking at Zhishu He, supporting his chin with his hand.

The old man was really good-looking and charming, especially when he looked at others with his affectionate eyes, which Zhishu He knew clearly, so he didn’t look up.

He didn’t eat much. His mouth was so painful even with a little food. What was more, he had no appetite. So he just had the porridge less than half a bowl.

Wenxu Jiang worried about Zhishu, but did not advise him to eat more. Then he stood up and hold the hand of Zhishu He, “I’ll put some medicine on you. It will be helpful.”

Zhishu He had no spare strength to refuse a persistent man and was forced to sit on the sofa.

Taking the medicine, Wenxu Jiang gently pinched the cheek of Zhishu He, and said in a gentle low voice, “My dear, open your mouth.”

It was badly injured. Wenxu Jiang was distracted when Jingwen was treating with the wounds last night. He was shocked when he had a careful check of He’s mouth today. There were more than a dozen wounds with evaginable white skin in the red inner wall of the mouth, with deep bite marks on the tongue. Did he try to bite the tongue to kill himself?

“You are so cruel to yourself,” Wenxu Jiang frowned, spreading the medicine as gently as possible.

Zhishu He felt the strange taste of medicine in his mouth, as if his heart also felt that bitter taste. He thought–

Wenxu Jiang, you were crueler to me.